My daughter was rather frustrated today.  She was angry.  She said that sometimes she felt angry and couldn’t help it.  But, she said, she didn’t like to be angry.  I knew she wanted to not only tell me how she felt, but as her mother, she wanted me to make it go away.  I told her I felt that way too sometimes.  What I didn’t mention to her was that I felt that way when I was tired; and after all that playing she had done, there was no doubt in my mind what was really going on.  But it didn’t really matter what I said, she would oppose anything.

At six years old, children go through yet another hormonal change.  It’s around this time when they are switching from one stage of independence to another.  From nap time to no nap time.  From family being number one, to their peers becoming stronger influences.  From being little, to growing bigger and more self dependant.  And despite their best efforts and giving every waking moment its all, they need more sleep.  And yes, a good cry.

Crying helps alleviate the stress of surging hormones, no matter what your age.  Not to mention the fact that in their attempt to keep it all together, to be in control of themselves and their surroundings, much frustration builds.  They get cranky, a bit incorrigible, and they tend to explain their discomfort with anger.  The only thing left for them to do, sometimes, is to cry.

It’s not always easy to spot a burst of growth, whether hormonal, physical, mental, or any other type children go through, because it’s happening all the time and the symptoms are much the same as any other day.  So it’s easy to ignore the why and to get straight to the “settle down”.  Personally, I get frustrated myself.  Often, outbursts tend to happen when I’m in the middle of something or wishing I were able to take a nap.  The timing is almost never perfect.

A hug or a show of affection towards your child is not always the way to go in moments like these.  Much like when he or she was younger and ready to take his or her first steps, or discover their own autonomy, there is a bridge they are building between the parent and themselves. (Remember the no, no, nos?)   They are trying to find a way to understand and comfort themselves without your help.  This is no easy task, not for your child, and not for you.  It’s also part of where their feelings of “angry” and their negative actions towards their available parent comes from.  They want you, which is why they’re in your space, but at the same time, they really want to do whatever this is, on their own.

What to do?  There are several ways that parents can go about handling situations like this.  Parents know their child better than anyone, but it’s times like these that stepping back can be of greater benefit than lunging forward.  As with any meltdown (because essentially that’s what’s happening) it’s best not to get too emotionally involved.  In these situations, the child with the meltdown and hormonal overload, is emotionally involved enough for everyone around.

Keeping in mind that the main goal of any parent is to raise a child that is independent in all ways (and comfortably so), it’s good to get into the habit of stepping back for a moment and realizing that this is about their child, not themselves. 

For me, this wouldn’t have been a good time to focus on the fact that I was being talked back to.  Nor would it have been a good time to tell my daughter to settle down; this would have just been confusing to her, because that’s what she was trying to do - the point was she didn’t quite know how.  I did explain that crying was a very good thing and would make her feel better, but that’s as far as I could take that without her getting too mad.  I definitely couldn’t just send her to her room and tell her to go to sleep (though she really needed to).  This moment was not the time to “make” her do what “I” thought she should do.  It was time for her to figure these things out for herself, with just a tad bit of guidance, but not necessarily the kind one would float to off the bat.

So what did I do?  I’ve done a variety of things, but here’s what seems to work best with my other children, and what did work in today’s instance:

• staying calm
• speaking in a relaxed manner
• answering their questions
• paying attention with eye contact
• not saying too much, choosing your words and what you want to focus on will be most beneficial to them, and to your nerves
• looking away when they’re not willing to cooperate, but still keeping your body relaxed and towards them

This last tactic may seem a bit as though it would cause distress.  But it doesn’t.  It helps your child understand that not only do you, the parent, have boundaries, but your firm stance and calm demeanor are actually setting a good example of how to stay in control.  In fact ,all the above points show good examples of self control to your child.  It also shows that you are there for them but are respecting his or her personal space and his or her emotions. 

This won’t be something you see your child showing acceptance of right away, mind you.  You’ll  also want to keep in mind that your child may not be accepting of anything at all.  You’ll need to take comfort in the fact that you’re doing the right thing and enabling your child to take his or her next step  towards independence.

So, what finally happened with my big little girl?  She cried.  Then cried some more. And finally, she curled up in a chair near me.  I went on about my business, looking through some paperwork, and when I looked up, she was sound asleep.  It may have taken an hour to get there, but the rest of the day was smooth sailing.