The news on the economy and unemployment is getting more and more surreal, and many of us would like to get some down-to-earth, truthful reporting and practical direction for once, for a change, just a morsel.

The truth would be ever so nice right about now.

Yeah well, snap out of it! That’s not going to happen.

It’s not, of course it’s not. But we can still find inspiration to get us through this difficult time by looking to our cultural heroes and avatars: Our celebrities, movie stars, and TV personalities. Politicians are corrupt assholes, but when celebrities speak, we listen. Why? Because they’re very rich and they get to be on TV all the time, and that absolutely proves they are smart and everything they say is true.

They’re kind of like the Gods of Old. (Only with liposuction and personal trainers.)

Keeping this undeniable and reassuring fact in mind, I thought it would be cool to post a classic tale of individual initiative and personal responsibility, as read by one my own personal heroes, Christopher Walken. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. When you find yourself with no shoes, be glad you have feet.

You can build your house of straw or sticks if you want to, ya freakin’ grasshoppers.

Me?

I just want to get famous enough that I can wear that sweater and still be cool.