MonsterQuest was one of the first paranormal junk food shows offerred on cable TV, and of course I watched every episode. Like all of the paranormal cable shows, MonsterQuest follows a formula and does not deviate from it, no matter if the topic is Bigfoot, the New Jersey Devil, or the exceptionally idiotic clip (shown above) that addresses the phenomenon of mysterious flying ‘Rods’.

According to that episode, ‘researchers’ still insist that rods are creatures, even though it can be easily demonstrated that they are actually flying insects that show up as camera artifacts at slow shutter speeds.

Therein lies the major frustration with MonsterQuest: It doesn’t take too many brain cells to first get bored, and then annoyed with the dopey formula and to start wanting more.

Warning: You will not be getting more.

The MonsterQuest formula goes like this:

1) Something very mysterious is happening in the [fill in blank with place name or location].

2) Reports of this mysterious thing go back [fill in number of centuries] in local myth and legend.

3) Researchers now believe this mysterious thing is ABSOLUTELY real! Even though they have either a) lots and lots of evidence that it isn’t, or b) a little but not nearly enough evidence that it is.

4) We will now follow [fill in the names of a couple cryptid fanatics or fringe scientists] as they go in search of [fill in name of mysterious thing] in the wilds of [fill in place name].

5) Cut to serious looking scenes illustrating forensic science methodology in great detail (skulls are always appropriate here), without providing any detail about how they have been used to test the mysterious thing or if they even could be used to test the mysterious thing. During this segment, foreshadow the climactic ending of the program wherein the mysterious findings will finally be forensically tested and at last reveal….

6) NOTHING! They will reveal NOTHING!

7) Research [and more MonsterQuest episodes] must now continue…

The problem with this formula is twofold.

Problem number one: All mysterious things are treated as being equal, but some are clearly way dumber than others. (Rods are really, really dumb IMO. Sasquatch, not so much.)

Problem two: We don’t have any adorable regulars to fake-bond with, the way we do with the Ghost Hunter crew. I don’t care if Dustin and Grant don’t find a ghost because they are such sweet little plumbing nerds I just like hanging out in the dark with them. But the disembodied Robert Stack imitator who narrates MonsterQuest can’t deliver that same warm fuzzy no matter how hard he tries. He just can’t.

I love myth and folklore and am especially interested in the intersection of story and human consciousness, but to expect this to be even touched upon let alone explored on cable TV is delusional.

So I don’t expect it. But I always hope for it. And I never get it.

Still, you have to eat popcorn in front of something, and when no good sci fi is available, MonsterQuest will do in a pinch.

Just don’t expect it to fill you up.