Thanks to The Sixth Sense, everybody knows that ghosts don’t always realize they are dead. (Some helpful psychic usually has to clue them in, and by that time it’s way beyond too late. It does cheer up the psychic though—especially if there’s a TV show in it and maybe a movie deal.)

But did you know that the newly undead have many of the same issues? Vampires and zombies get only a fraction of the emotional support we offer ghosts.

It isn’t fair. But then, nobody ever said that un-death was going to be fair.

This quiz will help you figure out if you are 1) dead, 2) undead, or 3) none of the above. If you do turn out to be undead, this quiz will also help you discover what kind of undead you are and how badly your condition has deteriorated while the rest of us have been going about our merry, mortal way, ignoring your immortal problems while we gobble jalapeno poppers and chocolates and chug Lite beers.

Answer each of the following questions as honestly as you can.

Or, lie about everything.

(Both approaches can yield useful information about your existential status.)

A handy assessment tool is provided at the end of the quiz. This tool will solve all of your problems and answer all of your deepest spiritual questions completely. (You’re welcome.)

1) Your boss drops by your cubicle to inform you that this week’s review has once again fallen short of the statistical goals he set for you at last week’s review. Consequently he is once again formally placing you ‘on probation’, which as near as you can tell means absolutely nothing. You respond by:

• A) Eating your boss and flinging his blood all over your workstation, then slamming his head into the wastebasket of the cubicle next to you.
• B) Inviting your boss to lunch to work through the challenges you both face in today’s fast-paced corporate world, all the while playing with the single button that keeps your boobs from busting our of your blouse.
• C) Thanking your boss while calling up a vivid mental image of him dressed in a tiny dirty diaper, red heels, and clown hair.
• D) What boss? What cubicle? Who ate all the Cheetos?

2) Your wife has planned one of those Sunday afternoon mall excursions during which she intends to drag you around The Gap, Old Navy, and Banana Republic for several hours, forcing you to try on dorky khaki pants and pastel golf shirts while she fluffs your hair, wipes your face with spit and Kleenes, and complains about your weight. Thinking fast, you escape this fate by:

• A)Leaping on top of your wife while growling ferociously and ripping her new Vera Bradley bag apart with your teeth until finally she kicks free of you and peels out of the driveway in your new Porsche Boxster, waving your Amex card out the window and flipping you the bird while screaming unintelligibly.
• B) Taking your wife in your arms and smothering her face and throat with passionate kisses while quietly tossing her Vera Bradley bag, all her credit cards, and her new Capri pants (which you deftly remove with your teeth) into a roaring fireplace. 
• C) Offering to cook your wife her favorite goat cheese & spinach soufflé and then spend the rest of the night snuggling on the sofa watching the What Not to Wear marathon on TLC.
• D) Wife? Dude, that’s my MOM! Don’t be gross.

3) It is 11:00 PM, the cupboard is bare, and you are STARVING. You jump in your car, and head for the all-night grocery. You dash inside and pick up the following late night snack supplies:

• A) The assistant night manager, two young female cashiers, a Yorkie sitting alone in an unlocked VW, three pounds of raw beef liver, and a handful of fresh mice.
• B) A baked Brie en croute, three kinds of imported olives packed in white wine vinegar and Moroccan sea salt, some Russian capers, a bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape 1998, a tin of imported smoked salmon, a ballotin du chocolat, and the two other young female cashiers.
• C) Hot Pockets, Klondike Bars, two cans of Cheese Whiz, and a bag of Doritos.
• D) Taco Bell, man.  Y yo quero mi Cheetos hombre?

4) How would you describe your religious beliefs?

• A) Satanist.
• B) Baptized in the blood of Our Lord Jesus Christ and granted Eternal Life this day, February 14, 1786 in the Holy Tabernacle of Our Most Blessed Dark Virgin of the Sacred Spear.
• C) I’m kind of more spiritual than religious, but nothing New Age or weird or anything—I like nature, sort of. But not squirrels. Or geckos.
• D) Piss off.

5) Pets?

• A)    Pit bull/Rot mix, a Burmese python, and Mange, my trained warthog.
• B)    Two perfect Salukis, the only creatures on earth older than I am.
• C)    My wife doesn’t allow me to have pets. They shed. (So do I.)
• D)    Miss February was smokin’!   

Okay, now total up your score. For each ‘A’ answer, give yourself a dog biscuit. For each ‘B’ answer, pour yourself a glass of red wine. For each ‘C’ answer, line up the Xanax. And for each ‘D’ answer, give yourself five Cheetos.

Now look at the meal you have in front of you and read the helpful key below to find out if you are undead, dead, or stuck in some other weird realm of being (like Indiana or Arkansas.):

All Scooby Snacks: Devouring the flesh of the living while wreaking havoc on the natural world doesn’t command the respect it once did, but it’s still nice work if you can get it. Just ask Ken Lay. What? He’s dead you say? No, that’s not possible. Not unless someone aimed for his head, but we all know that didn’t happen. He’s on some Caribbean Island at this very moment, ripping the heads off endangered sea turtles. Someday, my friend, that could be you.

Scooby Snacks and Beaujolais: You have definitely lost your soul but that poignant suffering expression that shows up around your deep dark eyes— you know, that look that gets you all those tasty, tasty girls?—that same look keeps you from reaching your true potential. Or maybe it’s just conjunctivitis. Either way you need to try harder.

All Beaujolais: Young girls fantasize about you and you also fantasize about you, but after awhile your BS gets really, really boring. You are so bored with your own bullshit you can’t eve see yourself in the mirror anymore. Drink up, Dracula.  Who says alcohol won’t solve your problems?

Valley of the Antidepressants: OK, listen carefully and follow these instructions to the letter: RUN! Seriously, run for your life. Technically still alive, you are hanging on by the thinnest of threads. You are the chubby nerdy guy in the monster movie who thinks he’s breaking into Hollywood—you think your starring role as an entree is actually a good thing.  Wake up, porky! You won’t be getting a second warning.

Thank God, Cheese Snacks! Dude, I know, I know. It’s just so much fun to screw with you. Life’s a bitch and girls are unfathomable (and leaky!) but it will all be over soon so don’t sweat it. Let’s play World of War Craft for six or ten hours and pass out on your Mom’s sofa. (PS, your Mom is hot!)